How To Stop Stonewalling
When one partner shuts down in the middle of a fight, the other almost always reads it the same way: they don’t care.
That’s the wrong read — and it’s the reason the fight keeps getting worse.
Going silent in the middle of an argument has a name: stonewalling. And once you understand what’s actually driving it, it becomes a lot easier to stop.
What is stonewalling?
Stonewalling is exactly what it sounds like — one partner puts up a wall. In the middle of a disagreement they stop responding: turning away, avoiding eye contact, going quiet, changing the subject, or getting up and leaving the room. From the outside it looks like stubbornness or not caring. It’s one of the four communication patterns Drs. John and Julie Gottman found most likely to predict divorce — and, left alone, it slowly erodes trust and closeness.
What stonewalling looks like in an argument
Picture the pattern most couples fall into.
One partner feels the conversation heating up and starts to pull back — shorter answers, then no answers. The other feels them slipping away and chases harder: raising their voice, pushing for a response, getting personal. Which makes the first partner withdraw even more. The fight ends when someone walks out of the room.
It looks like one person shutting the other out. It’s really two nervous systems doing exactly the wrong thing at the same time.
Why your partner shuts down: flooding
Here’s what’s actually happening behind the wall.
When an argument gets heated, your body can’t tell the difference between a dinosaur chasing you and your partner being angry at you. It floods with stress chemicals — heart racing, breathing changing, everything narrowing to escape. That overwhelmed state has a name: flooding. And once someone is flooded, they can’t think clearly, can’t listen, can’t find their words.
So shutting down isn’t a decision to punish you. It’s an overwhelmed nervous system trying to get out.
That’s the reframe that changes everything: your partner isn’t stonewalling because they stopped caring. They’re stonewalling because they’re overwhelmed.
The antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing
If flooding is the cause, calm is the cure. The antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing — learning to bring your body back down so you can stay in the conversation instead of bolting from it.
The trick is to start early. Don’t wait until you (or your partner) are about to explode to calm down — by then the wall is already up.
How to stop stonewalling in the moment
The fastest way back is your breath, and it’s all about the exhale. Put one hand just below your ribs. Breathe in slowly through your nose until your belly rises under your hand. Then let it out slowly and completely, like emptying a balloon. The long, full exhale is the part that tells your body it’s safe to relax. A few rounds and you’ll feel your shoulders drop and your thinking come back. (Here’s the full belly-breathing exercise.)
Want an early-warning system? Your heart rate makes flooding visible. Around 100 beats per minute is the red light that says stop, take a break. Catch it there, breathe, and you can come back to the conversation as yourself — responsive instead of reactive — rather than as your fight-or-flight.
When stonewalling becomes the pattern
A breathing exercise can rescue a single argument. But if stonewalling has become the way your fights always end — one of you gone behind the wall, the other pounding on it — the pattern itself needs attention. That’s the work we do with high-conflict couples. Not just calming one fight, but changing the cycle so you stop landing here.
You and your partner are on the same team, even when it really doesn’t feel like it.
You don’t have to fight like this
The same fight doesn’t have to keep ending the same way.
The next step is a free 30-minute consultation — a real conversation about what’s happening between you and whether we’re the right fit to help. Book yours here and pick a time that works for you.
We help couples stop fighting and start communicating — and find their calm — online across Colorado and in person in Evergreen. To learn more, see our couples therapy page.
About the author
Valery Krieg, LCSW is the founder and clinical director of Evergreen Counseling and Wellness, where she helps couples stop fighting and start communicating. A Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Valery has practiced therapy for more than 20 years and spent the last 15+ specializing in couples. Her work is grounded in the Gottman Method and draws on attachment theory, emotionally focused therapy, PACT, and relational life therapy.
Read more about Valery → · Book a free 30-minute consultation →
