Why I Hate Date Night
Date night is the most common advice couples get. It might also be the most overrated.
Get married, have a baby, or start couples counseling, and someone will hand you the same fix: just schedule a date night. Protect it. Make it sacred.
I'm a couples therapist, and I'm going to tell you the opposite. For a lot of the couples I see, date night doesn't work — and quietly waiting for it can make things worse.
Here's why.
Why date night doesn't work for struggling couples
Picture a couple that hasn't really talked in weeks. They line up a sitter, spend money they'd rather not, and end up across a restaurant table with nothing to say — or with everything to say and no safe way to say it.
That isn't connection. That's pressure with a price tag.
Date night is expensive, hard to schedule, and — when you're already disconnected — often stiff, awkward, or just plain boring. None of that means something's wrong with you. It means the tool is wrong for the moment.
And there's a quieter problem underneath. When date night becomes the time you reconnect, connection turns into an event you wait for: six disconnected days, then one big night to fix it all. Most couples don't drift apart in a single dramatic moment. They drift apart in the ordinary days in between.
If date night makes you feel guilty, read this
Because everyone swears date night is the secret to a happy marriage, the couples who can't make it work don't just feel disconnected — they feel like they're failing at it.
You're not.
Date night falling flat isn't a sign your relationship is broken. It's a sign you need a different tool. I don't want you carrying guilt over a piece of advice that was never built for where you are right now.
What to do instead of date night: the five-minute date
Here's the shift: stop waiting for the grand gesture, and build connection into the days you already have.
I call it the five-minute date. It's smaller than it sounds, and it works better than it should.
It can be a real check-in before you both leave in the morning. Holding hands on the couch with the phones face-down. A hug that lasts a beat longer than usual. Five uninterrupted minutes where your partner has your full attention — and knows it.
Small daily moments beat big elaborate efforts, because they keep the friendship alive without the pressure. You're not auditioning for a perfect night out. You're just staying in touch with the person you're building a life with.
Want ideas for your next five-minute date?Watch the full video for five 5-minute date ideas.
So is date night ever worth it?
Yes — once you're already connected.
Novelty is real. A getaway, an adventure, trying something new together genuinely helps couples reconnect. The point was never "never go out." It's this: don't let an occasional date night be the only time you connect. The daily habit is the foundation. The big outings are the bonus that sits on top of it.
If you've been asking one Friday night to carry the whole relationship, that's a lot to put on a Friday.
When the five-minute date isn't enough
Sometimes the distance is bigger than a daily habit can close. If you keep reaching for each other and still can't find your way back — if the same fights keep swallowing the good moments — that's not a signal to try harder on your own. It's a signal that the pattern underneath needs attention.
That's the part we help with. A daily habit reconnects couples who are basically okay. Couples therapy is for when the disconnection has roots, and you want someone who specializes in couples to help you get to them.
A lower-pressure first step
You don't need a flawless date night. You need a way back to each other.
If you'd like help finding it, a free 30-minute consultation is the easiest place to start — no commitment to begin, just a conversation to see whether we're the right fit. When you're ready, book your free 30-minute consultation and pick a time that works for you.
We help couples stop fighting, start communicating, and reconnect — online across Colorado and in person in Evergreen. And if date night stays retired for good? That's completely fine by me.
About the author
Valery Krieg, LCSW is the founder and clinical director of Evergreen Counseling and Wellness, where she helps couples stop fighting and start communicating. A Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Valery has practiced therapy for more than 20 years and spent the last 15+ specializing in couples. Her work is grounded in the Gottman Method and draws on attachment theory, emotionally focused therapy, PACT, and relational life therapy.
Read more about Valery → · Book a free 30-minute consultation →
